This last chapter here is an emotional roundup of expurgated versions of personal tales quoted from an online compendium dubbed ‘My Miserable Life’. These stories bespeak of the welling melancholy that is common to all humanity. They tell us we are not alone and that life is a little bit good for us. One of these days you hit a rough patch remember these people and their crummy situations.
I hope there is no life after death
Andrew, Wales, Age 17
“Until my parents divorced my dad used to beat me so hard for looking at him. He now refuses to pay child support. I have to support my disabled sister, 15 year old brother, and my mother who is falling apart more each day. My “job” is selling home grown marijuana to little pricks that I would kill if I could get away with it.
I caught something from my first girlfriend. I’m too ashamed to get involved with anyone else and because with my life who could I get. Everyone thinks I’m a Satanist including teachers
(I am not) because I listen to heavy metal.
The friends I have are cool but everyone messes on them because they are like me; all the girls have self-inflicted cuts and the guys get abused or have been abused in some way by someone in their life. Everything is wrong with the outside world and if I was god I would have no qualms about wiping the world clean. Nothing has been accomplished I hope there is no life after death so I can finally rest.”
There’s not a lot left, is there? –
Anonymous, West Texas, Age 46
“I have had diabetes for nearly 30 years, and my body is just about worn out. I’m a tenth of what I used to be. Women that I meet, catch the vibe from me that I’m unhealthy and no one wants a guy who is in failing health. The disease has lately progressed to the point where I can’t work, I can’t physically make love to women, and there’s not a lot left, is there? I’m getting help from the state, but it’s very little to speak of, and I have to live like a homeless person to qualify for the benefits. I’m sick and tired of all the trouble I go through each day. I try to think about how much worse it could be, so that I won’t feel so bad, but even that doesn’t work anymore. I’m living the life I always thought would be the worse conditions to be in. When I hear people say, “There’s always tomorrow”, I want to tell them to shut up their mouths, unless they have all the hemorrhoids like me and can’t get anything up there if they wanted to. Yeah, life sucks all right.”
I find it hard to muster the slightest smile –
Brooks, US, Age 41
“I’m cursed, warped, sexually repulsive and totally unlovable. The loneliness is hard to live with. To know I’ll never have the great highs and vast challenges of having a husband/partner or family is pure agony. I am always in pain and find it hard to muster the slightest smile or will to go on. There is no life left in me. I’m just a piece of human waste.”
I can barely sleep –
Miami, FL, Age 26
“After losing three jobs in a row I am currently unemployed. I have had anxiety/panic/depression for 5 years, causing thousands of dollars in medical bills, and destroying my credit. I flunked out of college. I am extremely overweight. I chain smoke. I have high cholesterol, high amounts of fat in blood and diabetes. I get constant infections everywhere from the diabetes. My skin is covered with zits. I have no friends, I have no girlfriend, and my car is on its last leg. My eyesight is really bad and can barely see out of my left eye. I have chest pains every night. My whole family is virtually broke, I am virtually broke. I have attempted suicide more times than I care to remember. I cry when I sleep, I have anxiety shakes when I am awake. I can barely sleep 3 hours a night. I have real bad stomach pains due to Irritable Bowel Syndrome. The loneliness is unbearable at times. Sometimes I go to public areas and watch happy people, and dream of their lives. I am too scared to die now, but do not want to live anymore.”
I’ve slept with guys just to get a fix –
Rosemary, Age 20
“My stupid father shot himself in the head when my mom was pregnant with my brother, just in time to leave us with a merry x-mas. I’ve been using drugs for six years. Now I can’t stop. I’ve been diagnosed with severe depression and psychosis. The ceiling never stops moving. I keep having these delusions where everyone is going to torture and kill my family. I slit my wrists so I could kill myself before “they” killed me which only sent me to the State Hospital. Now I don’t even have the nerve to kill myself anymore. I’ve slept with guys just to get a fix. Of course I’ve always been a slut. Within the last year 3 of my friends have died from using heroin. I don’t know how to stop using it.”
I never even slept with her – Scott,
Ontario, Age 23
“I’m 23, shy and I don’t make friends very easily. A few years ago I dated a girl who wouldn’t put out, and I was fine with that. We broke up after a year and went our separate ways. Last year she shows up with a two year old and says it’s mine. The problem is, I never slept with her. She sues me and then gets her lawyer gets the blood test thrown out of court. So I’m a 23 year old virgin paying child support for a kid that isn’t mine. Oh yeah, I just filed for bankruptcy. Bye bye law school.”
The fourth and final round killed my cat
– Anonymous, New York, Age 23
“The first time I got shot, I was only 16. It was a random thing. It could have been anyone, but why had it to be me? I thought I was going to die, there was so much blood, and it ruined a good shirt. A .38 cal round clipped my shoulder, lodging near the joint. After 5 years of physical therapy, I regained full movement of my left arm. A few months later, when
I was 21, I was shot again, this time by some fool who thought he was a man.
One round pierced my abdomen, and I bled black bile. The second and third hits he scored (he fired at least 10 times at me, from no more than 15 feet) almost completely severed my spine, leaving me paraplegic, no use of my legs (and little feeling in other parts). The fourth and final round that he landed killed my cat, which was in my arms at the time. Poor Kiniko, a sweet little black cat. Today, I live on the fourth floor of a building with no elevator, which makes it hard to maneuver a wheel chair for simple things like going to the store for smokes. I have no family, as my father died recently, and social security is a joke. Meals on Wheels is a godsend, bless their souls! Those goons who shot me still run this neighborhood, too. I’m thinking of getting a white sheet and rolling down the stairs, maybe they will kill me.”
One guy went totally limp – Mila,
Ottawa, Age 20
“I caught a staphylococcus skin disease just after I had my first taste of sex, when I was 18. The skin infection spread through my entire body (worse on my arms, legs & bum) that I didn’t wear short sleeves or shorts or skirts in the summer for 2 consecutive summers. I feel like a freak. I have been too scared to show my body to anyone because the stars and stains are just too disgusting, I don’t really look at myself when I shower. Laser surgery isn’t an option because it may cause a relapse and the creams I use don’t really work. One guy I’ve shown myself to went totally limp. It’s really painful because I have girls and guys hitting on me on a regular basis, but can’t do anything about it. I never knew how much having nasty skin can affect so much of your life. I wonder if I will ever wear summer clothes or bikinis ever again let alone have sex.”
I’ve lost track of all the humiliations
(6/29/00) – Ben, Philadelphia, Age 29
“Five years ago I was on the top of the world. My life was pretty amazing…….then I messed it up by trying to be a good guy and invest in some property with my family. Long story short, every one of them disappointed me, right down to my gray haired old grandma. My credit got fucked up, I lost every penny I had and everything I owned. In the midst of all this maelstrom, my dumb head of a brother decided he wanted to become a drug dealer and we had police and junkies pulling up at the front door every five minutes.
When the music stopped I was the only victim without a place to live…suddenly nobody knew me anymore. Oh, and my alcoholic father committed suicide, which my mother reacted to with barely concealed gloating. I was turned out of the house I put the money up for by my own family and found myself living on the streets of this mean city. The woman I love tried to stick by me but she has a life of her own and I understand why she doesn’t have time to wait for me to get my mess together. I’ve lost track of all the humiliations I’ve suffered, which actually is a bit of a relief. My friends are all laughing at me behind my back….I don’t blame them either, if my life were happening to someone else it would be hilarious.”
I work in the radio business is self-centered, immature, and neurotic. I can’t date because the only people I meet are neurotic freaks. Anytime I try to be nice to someone, particularly girls, they misinterpret my intentions and treat me like some kind of rapist. My immediate family is neurotic. I live at home because the radio business pays so poorly I can’t afford to live on my own. I work and live in small towns where nobody has a life and life is like living in a fishbowl. Going to church only causes more stress, because the small town church is full of selfish, lazy, arrogant parishioners. My old friends from college offer no comfort because they all refused to grow up. I work for a spoiled rotten millionaire kid. He hires his lazy spoiled irresponsible friends, and though I don’t hold a management position, I am responsible for their success. I joined a community service club full of bickering, sniping officers. I haven’t had sex in six years. I am the only decent person I know– “the great white hope.” My patience, my endurance, my strength and my trust in God will pull me through– that is my only hope.”
The older I get the more withdrawn and weaker I become (6/14/00) –
Anonymous, Pennsylvania, Age 25
“I have muscular dystrophy, it is going to make my life shorter and a lot less fun. It’s so hard to have any motivation or feel good about myself when I am unable to function like a “normal” person. The older I get the more withdrawn and weaker I become. I have never had a girlfriend. Women want nothing to do with an underweight withering freak. But I can’t say I blame them. Employers don’t want anything to do with me either. Even with all this there is one person I have never met but talk to online almost every night who has put up with me and all my mess. She will never know how thankful I really am to her. I just have to enjoy the things I can do because I know when I can’t function normally and hold my job, I will finally end it.
(In response to the previous story)
I read the story from the guy who has muscular dystrophy. I believe I know him. You see I am that girl who talks to him night after night on the computer.
What he doesn’t realize is that I have really bad days too that I don’t always share with him and it brightens MY day to talk to him. I can always count on him to lift my spirits and give me a good laugh. He doesn’t feel very highly of himself but I would like to take this opportunity to say that I do think highly of him. I think he is wonderful and I consider him a great friend. Thanks for giving me the chance to tell him.”
I’ll have to get used to a life of solitude
(5/25/00) – Joe, Oregon, Age 26
“My life sucks. My fiancée, the one love of my life has left after we were together for 6 years. I met her when I was 20; she’s the only girl I’ve ever dated, kissed, had sex with and been in love with. Needless to say, I have a hard time meeting women. Add to that I’ve been diagnosed with severe depression. I work as a delivery man and am not that good looking. I have bad teeth and am short, skinny and pale like mayonnaise. I have a handful of family and friends. Looks like I’ll have to get used to a life of solitude.”
I’ve caught head lice about six times
(5/25/00) – Alonzo, NY, Age 20
“My life is a mess. I go to beauty school in Albany. It sucks. All I do is work on scumbags’ hair all day long. I’ve caught head lice about six times and I think that I have it now. I suck at doing hair and I was mugged this weekend.”
I still steal money out of my mom’s purse (5/13/00) –
Tom, New York, Age 29
“I don’t have a college degree and I only need 7 credits to get one. My job will pay for the credits if they relate to my work only I can’t let them know I don’t have a degree because I lied on my resume. I can’t afford the credits on my own and can’t get a loan due to bad credit. My brother is a crack head whom I have not seen in over a year, when he pawned all of my parent’s jewelry. That doesn’t really bother me because he used to terrorize me and kick me hard all the time. He knocked out my teeth, broke my nose, and gave me two concussions and other injuries. He’s 6 years older than I am but acts like he’s 15, still. I haven’t spoken to my Dad in 8 years or so, and he is a self-absorbed, self- important asshole anyway. My grandmother is getting nuttier by the day and has become almost intolerable to be around. I drink way too much and lie about it. I’m 29 and I still steal money out of my mom’s purse when I visit her sometimes. My mom is upset about my brother and is turning to Jesus–she is slowly becoming a
Christian nutjob and it is frightening to watch. I feel powerless to stop her. I live in the god forsaken Bronx where the people are too stupid/lazy /prideful/ignorant/disgusting to clean up after their animals or themselves. There is litter everywhere and it smells and people are rude and violent and I want to wall up some of the neighborhoods and let them eat each other alive.”
Here I am, a disfigured freak –
Anonymous, US, Age 37
“I was destined for great things. I come from a very wealthy family. I had a privileged youth and was a good student in school. Hell, I even have a master’s degree in electrical engineering. I had money, friends and a good job as an electrician. But around 10 years ago everything started going wrong.
On my 27th birthday I was involved in a major car crash. I was paralyzed from the waist down and had third degree burns on 80% of my body. I spent a year and a half practically bed ridden and in intense physical therapy. When it was all said and done I looked like Freddy Kruger in a wheel chair. I couldn’t do my contractor work anymore because of my sorry state and I didn’t go outside because people would not stop staring at me. I blew almost all my savings on plastic surgery, alcohol, porn and drugs.
Well here I am, a disfigured freak who lives in his parents’ basement. They won’t even let me out of my room sometimes because they think I’ll scare away company. But on the bright side, I’ve taken up smoking two packs a day, so it’s only a matter of time before I die of lung cancer!!”
Can’t resist older men – Rui, Age 19
“I was born into a broken family. My bastard father left my mom for a filthy whore and only crawls back to us when he runs out of money. My mom has to sell herself to get us out of his massive debts. My sister hates
everyone and utters no more than a.syllable to anyone in the family. If we hadn’t known better, she may as well as well be autistic. I have a bright future and a good head on my shoulders, but was forced to drop out of school because my mom couldn’t afford to keep me educated. I refuse to
whore for the family, but can’t keep my hands off older men. At last count, I have been with my 9th older man.
History repeats itself each and every time, but I am unable to break myself out of this vicious cycle of obsession and heartbreak.I am now in love with this 59-year-old professor whom I run into often at the suburban mall near the dinky hut that
we live in. I am also 4 months
pregnant and freshly dumped by the last older man that I’d been with. I want to abort the loathsome thing growing inside me, but I don’t want to further damage my reproductive organs. I have previously undergone 7
abortions. I am bitter and miserable, and at 19, have lived and suffered a million lifetimes over and over again. By the time you read this, I would’ve
poisoned me and my baby. Goodbye.”